You Are What You Drive, At Least In Califrisky...
Okay, let's face it: in Southern California, where I live and work, you are what you drive. It's really terribly shallow, but there you have it. Many people will spend more than they can afford to have a really flashy ride, often paying lease payments for years, only to wind up with nothing at the end of it. It's unfortunate, but they could always find themselves a nice, used Honda or Toyota -- a four-wheeled appliance, like a fridge or a washer. You know, refuse to play the game. Unfortunately, the kind of people drawn to this sort of thing are the kind that would be impressed by it, so you really can't help them.
This does, however, bring up an interesting metaphysical question: if you are what you drive, what kind of a car would you be? Would you be the flashy and fast Corvette, or would you be the stately and elegant Jaguar? Me, I suspect I'd be a Volvo station wagon, probably like the one shown above. Big, broad shouldered, deceptively quick, amazingly capable in any kind of weather on any kind of terrain (and yes, my wife does drive one -- what were you expecting?). Failing that, I'd probably be a Suzuki Bandit 1200 S motorcycle (it has a single track, cute eyes, and a lot of quiet strength).
Okay Then, What Could You NEVER Be?
If there are solid, strong, dependable cars, what would be the opposite? Are there cars (or people) that you could just glance at and know there would be problems down the road? Well, aside from Camaros, Mustangs, and those silly little "tuner" cars blatting down the street with three-inch exhausts that couldn't fill a two-inch if they lunched the turbo, you have BMWs. These cars prove that you really can fool some of the people all of the time. In Germany, they are considered a children's toy car (much like a Mustang or Camaro). Serious performance is delivered by Porsche or Audi. Mercedes? Taxi cabs.
Cars that are engineered to quickly change direction sometimes do it on their own. As a former reserve police officer, I can't tell you the number of times I've seen BMWs lock their rear brakes, ground-loop, tuck their trailing-arm suspension under, and roll right over, where their fashionably thin roof pillars collapse, pinning the former driver and any passengers inside as it slides merrily down the street upside down, leaving red and pink stripes. The joke used to be that we didn't need the Jaws of Life to retrieve the victims -- just tip the car, and they would flow out all by themselves. Icky!
So imagine my surprise when Ann Job of MSN wrote a puff piece on movie cars "starring" in this year's blockbuster movies. The article, which didn't need to do so, mentions BMW as possibly starting the modern trend of featuring their cars in movies with the appearance of the Z3 roadster in a Bond movie in 1994. Volvo beat them to it with an appearance in 1991's "The Saint" of the C70 coupe, but did she mention it? Nooooooo! Here's my impolite note to correct her thinking:
Enjoyed your column on movie cars, and was amused to note the reference to BMW. That company is proof that advertising works; their popularity is proof of image over substance (but I digress). You'll find at least one more car company that has huge success placing its products: Volvo. From the early 90s movie "The Saint" (featuring Val Kilmer and a very pre-production C70 coupe) to various TV shows, Volvos appear just about everywhere. Volvo's cars have become visual shorthand for mature, sensible characters with a modicum of style (like the role played by Sally Field in "Mrs. Doubtfire"). BMWs are basically portrayed in the media as German Mustangs, a car that might be okay for some callow youth to zap around in, but not really suited to married adults or families. I find this fits well with the reality of the vehicles. I keep wondering when BMW will be sued for false advertising; I think the term "The Ultimate Driving Machine" might better suit something from Porsche or Ferrari. Perhaps we can recast BMWs as "The Ultimate Posturing Machines." In short, not all of us buy poorly designed and ill-suited vehicles on the basis of image. Doing so would explain SUVs and pickup trucks in urban settings (and how terribly wrong is a BMW SUV with less than six inches of ground clearance and no cargo volume to speak of?). Isn't it a shame that Mazdas and Saabs languish on showroom floors while BMWs serve as rolling containers for people who balance lattes on the wheel while chatting incessantly on cell phones, often at the same time? At least it makes it easier to spot these brain-dead half-wits: avoid the Roundel, avoid a nasty shunt. Who says BMWs are useless? Perhaps they'll help us clean up the gene pool.
Just so you know: I recently heard that a friend from two jobs back was killed recently in a single-car accident. She was one of those wonderful souls who make one glad just to be on the same planet. It's a crime of cosmic proportion that she is no longer with us while our Universe continues to play host to so many parasitic life forms. Unfortunately, her husband lost control of their vehicle, hit a curb, rolled over, and the roof was crushed when the car slid into a large tree, killing the four adults aboard and badly injuring their little girl. Care to guess the make of automobile that orphaned their daughter?
Okay, let's face it: in Southern California, where I live and work, you are what you drive. It's really terribly shallow, but there you have it. Many people will spend more than they can afford to have a really flashy ride, often paying lease payments for years, only to wind up with nothing at the end of it. It's unfortunate, but they could always find themselves a nice, used Honda or Toyota -- a four-wheeled appliance, like a fridge or a washer. You know, refuse to play the game. Unfortunately, the kind of people drawn to this sort of thing are the kind that would be impressed by it, so you really can't help them.
This does, however, bring up an interesting metaphysical question: if you are what you drive, what kind of a car would you be? Would you be the flashy and fast Corvette, or would you be the stately and elegant Jaguar? Me, I suspect I'd be a Volvo station wagon, probably like the one shown above. Big, broad shouldered, deceptively quick, amazingly capable in any kind of weather on any kind of terrain (and yes, my wife does drive one -- what were you expecting?). Failing that, I'd probably be a Suzuki Bandit 1200 S motorcycle (it has a single track, cute eyes, and a lot of quiet strength).
Okay Then, What Could You NEVER Be?
If there are solid, strong, dependable cars, what would be the opposite? Are there cars (or people) that you could just glance at and know there would be problems down the road? Well, aside from Camaros, Mustangs, and those silly little "tuner" cars blatting down the street with three-inch exhausts that couldn't fill a two-inch if they lunched the turbo, you have BMWs. These cars prove that you really can fool some of the people all of the time. In Germany, they are considered a children's toy car (much like a Mustang or Camaro). Serious performance is delivered by Porsche or Audi. Mercedes? Taxi cabs.
Cars that are engineered to quickly change direction sometimes do it on their own. As a former reserve police officer, I can't tell you the number of times I've seen BMWs lock their rear brakes, ground-loop, tuck their trailing-arm suspension under, and roll right over, where their fashionably thin roof pillars collapse, pinning the former driver and any passengers inside as it slides merrily down the street upside down, leaving red and pink stripes. The joke used to be that we didn't need the Jaws of Life to retrieve the victims -- just tip the car, and they would flow out all by themselves. Icky!
So imagine my surprise when Ann Job of MSN wrote a puff piece on movie cars "starring" in this year's blockbuster movies. The article, which didn't need to do so, mentions BMW as possibly starting the modern trend of featuring their cars in movies with the appearance of the Z3 roadster in a Bond movie in 1994. Volvo beat them to it with an appearance in 1991's "The Saint" of the C70 coupe, but did she mention it? Nooooooo! Here's my impolite note to correct her thinking:
Enjoyed your column on movie cars, and was amused to note the reference to BMW. That company is proof that advertising works; their popularity is proof of image over substance (but I digress). You'll find at least one more car company that has huge success placing its products: Volvo. From the early 90s movie "The Saint" (featuring Val Kilmer and a very pre-production C70 coupe) to various TV shows, Volvos appear just about everywhere. Volvo's cars have become visual shorthand for mature, sensible characters with a modicum of style (like the role played by Sally Field in "Mrs. Doubtfire"). BMWs are basically portrayed in the media as German Mustangs, a car that might be okay for some callow youth to zap around in, but not really suited to married adults or families. I find this fits well with the reality of the vehicles. I keep wondering when BMW will be sued for false advertising; I think the term "The Ultimate Driving Machine" might better suit something from Porsche or Ferrari. Perhaps we can recast BMWs as "The Ultimate Posturing Machines." In short, not all of us buy poorly designed and ill-suited vehicles on the basis of image. Doing so would explain SUVs and pickup trucks in urban settings (and how terribly wrong is a BMW SUV with less than six inches of ground clearance and no cargo volume to speak of?). Isn't it a shame that Mazdas and Saabs languish on showroom floors while BMWs serve as rolling containers for people who balance lattes on the wheel while chatting incessantly on cell phones, often at the same time? At least it makes it easier to spot these brain-dead half-wits: avoid the Roundel, avoid a nasty shunt. Who says BMWs are useless? Perhaps they'll help us clean up the gene pool.
Just so you know: I recently heard that a friend from two jobs back was killed recently in a single-car accident. She was one of those wonderful souls who make one glad just to be on the same planet. It's a crime of cosmic proportion that she is no longer with us while our Universe continues to play host to so many parasitic life forms. Unfortunately, her husband lost control of their vehicle, hit a curb, rolled over, and the roof was crushed when the car slid into a large tree, killing the four adults aboard and badly injuring their little girl. Care to guess the make of automobile that orphaned their daughter?