Why Getting Googled Tickles...
Just the other day, a colleague performed the ultimate act of conceit: they typed their own name into the Google search engine (an act known as "Googling") and clicked the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button. Much to his consternation (and my amusement), there were no matches. "Sorry, Lucky," I explained, "you have to be pretty famous to show up on Google!"
Just for giggles, he typed in "Duke Walls" and hit the button. Much to my consternation (and his amusement), we got four pages of matches. As my Australian friends would say, "Stone the crows!"
Now mind you, I'm nowhere near famous. What I am is indiscriminate in posting comments on the Internet (as this missive no doubt proves). Thanks to the Internet archives at sites like DejaVu.com, my bouts of holding forth and discoursing on Light seem to have been preserved for all eternity (or at least until the sites run out of funding). In amongst references to another Duke Walls (Hawaiian entertainer and restauranteur, apparently), there are several of my contributions dating back to 1995. I may not be famous, but at least I can be Googled. So much for my contributions to Society (trust me, if I'd known this stuff was being recorded, I'd have been a bit more pithy). Here are a few of the less obnoxious entries:
Setup: Splitting the Baby Bells further
In response to the question of what would happen if the former Bell companies were required to structurally separate their wholesale and retail operations, ("Reader's Bull's-Eye," www.teledotcom.com, Aug. 9), Mark Twain said it best: "As long as the legislature is in session, nobody's rights or property are safe!" When will our Congresscritters learn that you can't legislate competition? They've tried this several times, in several different utility fields, and the result is the same each time: less choice, because the fragmented companies are too small to survive, which results in higher prices to the consumers.
For those of us who paid attention in Econ 101, the concept of "natural monopolies" is not unfamiliar. Utilities like water, gas, electricity and, yes, telephone service are natural monopolies. The answer is not alphabet soup-generating legislation that brings us CLECs, ILECs and various other confusions and vexations to the spirit. I realize the pols think they have to fool the masses into believing we can't think for ourselves. I also realize they're wrong. Just say "No" to stupidity in government. Call, write or e-mail your Congresscritters and tell them, "Hands off my telephone!" Your wallet will thank you.
Duke Walls
-------------
Setup: getting people to pay for online content
Having worked at two different dot-coms (yes, I'm a slow learner), I can tell you up front that the public won't pay for content. End of discussion. As for IE being a large security hole, I might point out I'm still having to patch BIND and sendmail on Unix, and folks are still using these tools on a daily basis. Rap Mickeysoft if you must on their criminally anticompetitive practices and cheesy code, but put the blame for security exploits on those that have far too much free time and no moral sense whatsoever (what's the matter, kids, can't buy a date?). Finally, I've had experience with off-brands of PCs, and have had problems getting standard apps and cards to work properly with them. No matter what Dell (or Gateway, for that matter) offers, I'll continue to buy first-tier, thanks.
--------------
Setup: ZD Anchordesk writer asks, "Do you make these 10 stupid PC mistakes?"
How do you stop having error messages in IE (pronounced "AIEEE!")? Very simple. Use Netscape. Don't like Windows problems? Buy a Mac. And don't be too proud of being an engineer and a Linuxhead -- I saw that OS bring down an entire company yesterday. Seriously, folks, most of the issues are caused by an error between the keyboard and seat -- replace user, hit any key to continue. It's not that these people are dumb, they just haven't had the ten or twenty years of experience we have. Pity them. Help them. Perhaps they'll buy you lunch. Also, consider that ICs sometimes pop loose from too many heat cycles, and their connections get flaky. A well-aimed smack on the top of the box has cured more than one ailing PC over the years. It usually also prevents you from doing the same to the user....
---------------
Setup: discussion of Unix "flavors" -- and hey, is that really Marcus Ranum of CERT fame on the same page?
I'll refrain from pouring gasoline on the fire by not stating any preference for any particular brand/type of "new OS." ;-)
Thanks for your forbearance, Frank. We've got far too much debate over various flavors of UN*X to worry about pretenders to the throne. Besides, UN*X can be reasonably secure, if you know where the holes are (which is why I'm cheerfully lurking). Better the beast we know, than the beast we don't, eh?
-- Duke Walls
[email protected]
----------------
Setup: Helpdeskfunnies.com asked for true-life submissions of the dumbest users we'd ever met. Here are two of mine. The page can now be found at: http://www.angelfire.com/ca/dmitryd/helpdeskfunnies.html. Enjoy!
name: Duke Walls
Date: 17 Jul 1999
Every once in a while, the scales balance. I was installing a new PC for a woman who had been promoted over her old workmates, and was lording it over them unmercifully. In the early days of Windows 3.1, playing a .wav file would lock the machine until the file finished. This woman snottily told me to lock her office after I was done installing the PC, and left. One by one, her staff came in and told me just how obnoxious she was being. I therefore set the Windows Start sound to be the 48-second sound bite from the movie "When Harry Met Sally" where Meg Ryan is demonstrating her ability to fake an orgasm. I then locked the door on the way out. The next morning I get a frantic phone call from this buddy, who is horrified at what her new computer is doing! Once it stops, I say, "Hmm, that's not normal. Why don't you reboot it?" During the encore performance, I went and removed the sound file while "looking for the problem." Her crew later told me she straightened up nicely after this particular prank, so you could say I managed to fix more than the PC.
Name: Duke Walls
Date: 17 Jul 1999
While working support in the Loan Service Center of what they call "a major Savings & Loan," I was forced to support the Vice President's secretary. She was a fortyish harridan, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but fiercely proud of her "elevated" position. How dull? The year before, when we went from 5.25 to 3.5 inch floppies, she had literally trimmed a floppy to fit using scissors, and was miffed when we told her the files were gone (took an hour to clear that drive, too). We were summoned to the harpy's desk because her network connection kept dying right after she got in, and again after lunch. Following the network cable, I realized she had been placing her purse in an empty box and kicking it under the desk, disconnecting the network cable. Dropping to my knees, I plugged the cable back in -- only to be shrilly accused of having snuck a peek up the dragon's dress. A co-worker came to my rescue: "No, ma'am," he intoned, "if he was gonna peek up a dress, he'd pick somebody younger and prettier." My laconic cohort would be fired a month later, for having told this buddy the "any key" was the Big Red Switch on the side. She lost four hours' work, being too dense to know what 'save' means, and he lost his job. "Jeez, I though she'd know I was kidding," he protested, "Nobody's THAT stupid!" Bets?
----------------
Setup: ZD writer asks, "What's Your Cybersecurity Strategy?" and offers a security quiz
Funny thing: I took last week's test honestly the first time and got a 'C.' I then eliminated all the things I'd allowed due to risk assessment (read: biggest bang for the buck), and got a 'B' (this amounted to two changed answers). Somehow, I doubt it's possible to get an 'A' on that test, but that's OK if it wakes people up. Being a network engineer, I see daily attacks on my employer's commercial site. 99.995% of them are scripts aimed at IIS, so there is a very real benefit to running something else. That said, I'm reminded of a stunt pulled by one of the Mac magazines in the late 80's. They engineered a virus, the payload of which was a "Merry Christmas" message set to pop up the 22nd of December, along with a request to call them if the message appeared. They placed this on *one* Mac in their offices in September. Long story short, they received several thousand replies, from all over the world, and please remember that this was before the commercial Internet! The Mac platform is just as susceptible to virii, but is not as popular a target, as are Linux and Solaris. My strategy, for what it's worth, is defense in depth: hardware firewall on the DSL link, ZoneAlert Pro and NAV on all workstations, and serious encryption and no ID broadcast on the wireless link. If somebody wants in, they'll probably find a way, but at least I'll be a harder target.
----------------
Setup: ZD writer David Coursey asks, "Am I a Microsoft lackey or what?"
David, David, David. Did you miss the point yet again? As the proud owner of a Microsoft Z-80 card for my Apple II, I've probably been dealing with Microsoft far longer than most folks. My Word for Windows Early Adopter certificate is right here next to my three licensed copies of Office. I enjoy using their software, which generally starts out as a lame 1.0 version, and improves greatly over time. But what really frosts my pumpkin is that Mickeysoft has taken over IBM's old role as the foremost progenitors of FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt, for those not up on TLAs)(sorry, Three-Letter Acronyms). In 1994, during an attempt to specify a better competing product (Novell 4.1, but I digress), I bet a CIO that Microsoft wouldn't be able to produce Active Directory for four more years. OK, so I was wrong -- I was short by two years. Microsoft lied to her, and she was stupid enough to believe them. I don't work for that company any more, but neither does she, because a smarter competitor absorbed them. So, Dave, we don't really think you're a lackey. An apologist, perhaps, and occasionally ostrich-like in your inability to see that cesspool in Redmond for what it really is, but a lackey? No, I don't think Microsoft thinks of you quite that highly.
-----------------
Setup: ZD writer suggests the Windows Update website, much to my chagrin
BEWARE!! Although I've used the Update before, I thought I'd give it another poke after reading this article. The process mulched the drivers for one of my LAN cards, completely removed TCP/IP from the machine, and blew up my firewall/proxy software (odd, I never have these issues with Linux). It's taken me three hours to get this mess fixed (requiring three different driver/installation disks), and now I find the Family Login is gone from the machine, possibly forever. Moral of the story? Beware magazine writers bearing gifts. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, or it might well soon be!
-----------------
ZD writers do a "Sky Is Falling" article on the glaringly obvious security and throughput issues on the Internet, a story set off by a 'backhoe fade' episode on UUNet's backbone in Ohio (why is it that Ziff-Davis writers always set me off?) Please note that the gent's column the next week began by quoting my 'serious disconnect' sentiment. Stone the crows, a double! : )
Despite the glib "so what's new?" comments, I get the impression there's a serious disconnect here. Those of us that have actually been connecting to multiple Tier-1 providers know that disasters have a nasty way of testing the best disaster recovery plans. And despite the fact that Silicon Valley has the largest concentration of peering sites and server farms on the planet (yes, that includes the DC area), a single fiber cut in Ohio (or even Indiana, although that's *much* less likely) can wreak havoc with the ability to deliver packets. No packets, no content. Right about then, all these "so what?" types will be deluging their fourth-tier ISPs' support hotlines with whiny phonecalls (the emails won't arrive until the break is fixed -- believe me, I speak from experience). Disparaging comments aside, I'd recommend InterNAP's structure over any other single provider, because they peer with all the majors, so a break in UUNet in Ohio doesn't take them down completely. And yes, having their own private exchanges does measurably speed packet flow (again, from experience). As for standards, hey, we've got IP. Anything else is superfluous sales hype. Stick to the standards, implement systems as designed, build in overcapacity and redundancy, and we all just might be able to get our email on time -- just in time to be spammed by some slimeball. Some things may just not be worth the extra effort....
----------------
Setup: Reply to a testy (read: flame) reply on a technical board about IP vs. IPX security
If your neuroses preclude you from allowing unwanted access to the Supervisor ID on a Novell file server, simply use the SYSCON utility to limit the stations from which it can be used. If your cracker(ette) is not at an approved workstation, they get zip. Failing this, therapy is your only option (and remember, you can`t spell `analysis` without the first four letters).
-- Duke Walls
Just the other day, a colleague performed the ultimate act of conceit: they typed their own name into the Google search engine (an act known as "Googling") and clicked the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button. Much to his consternation (and my amusement), there were no matches. "Sorry, Lucky," I explained, "you have to be pretty famous to show up on Google!"
Just for giggles, he typed in "Duke Walls" and hit the button. Much to my consternation (and his amusement), we got four pages of matches. As my Australian friends would say, "Stone the crows!"
Now mind you, I'm nowhere near famous. What I am is indiscriminate in posting comments on the Internet (as this missive no doubt proves). Thanks to the Internet archives at sites like DejaVu.com, my bouts of holding forth and discoursing on Light seem to have been preserved for all eternity (or at least until the sites run out of funding). In amongst references to another Duke Walls (Hawaiian entertainer and restauranteur, apparently), there are several of my contributions dating back to 1995. I may not be famous, but at least I can be Googled. So much for my contributions to Society (trust me, if I'd known this stuff was being recorded, I'd have been a bit more pithy). Here are a few of the less obnoxious entries:
Setup: Splitting the Baby Bells further
In response to the question of what would happen if the former Bell companies were required to structurally separate their wholesale and retail operations, ("Reader's Bull's-Eye," www.teledotcom.com, Aug. 9), Mark Twain said it best: "As long as the legislature is in session, nobody's rights or property are safe!" When will our Congresscritters learn that you can't legislate competition? They've tried this several times, in several different utility fields, and the result is the same each time: less choice, because the fragmented companies are too small to survive, which results in higher prices to the consumers.
For those of us who paid attention in Econ 101, the concept of "natural monopolies" is not unfamiliar. Utilities like water, gas, electricity and, yes, telephone service are natural monopolies. The answer is not alphabet soup-generating legislation that brings us CLECs, ILECs and various other confusions and vexations to the spirit. I realize the pols think they have to fool the masses into believing we can't think for ourselves. I also realize they're wrong. Just say "No" to stupidity in government. Call, write or e-mail your Congresscritters and tell them, "Hands off my telephone!" Your wallet will thank you.
Duke Walls
-------------
Setup: getting people to pay for online content
Having worked at two different dot-coms (yes, I'm a slow learner), I can tell you up front that the public won't pay for content. End of discussion. As for IE being a large security hole, I might point out I'm still having to patch BIND and sendmail on Unix, and folks are still using these tools on a daily basis. Rap Mickeysoft if you must on their criminally anticompetitive practices and cheesy code, but put the blame for security exploits on those that have far too much free time and no moral sense whatsoever (what's the matter, kids, can't buy a date?). Finally, I've had experience with off-brands of PCs, and have had problems getting standard apps and cards to work properly with them. No matter what Dell (or Gateway, for that matter) offers, I'll continue to buy first-tier, thanks.
--------------
Setup: ZD Anchordesk writer asks, "Do you make these 10 stupid PC mistakes?"
How do you stop having error messages in IE (pronounced "AIEEE!")? Very simple. Use Netscape. Don't like Windows problems? Buy a Mac. And don't be too proud of being an engineer and a Linuxhead -- I saw that OS bring down an entire company yesterday. Seriously, folks, most of the issues are caused by an error between the keyboard and seat -- replace user, hit any key to continue. It's not that these people are dumb, they just haven't had the ten or twenty years of experience we have. Pity them. Help them. Perhaps they'll buy you lunch. Also, consider that ICs sometimes pop loose from too many heat cycles, and their connections get flaky. A well-aimed smack on the top of the box has cured more than one ailing PC over the years. It usually also prevents you from doing the same to the user....
---------------
Setup: discussion of Unix "flavors" -- and hey, is that really Marcus Ranum of CERT fame on the same page?
I'll refrain from pouring gasoline on the fire by not stating any preference for any particular brand/type of "new OS." ;-)
Thanks for your forbearance, Frank. We've got far too much debate over various flavors of UN*X to worry about pretenders to the throne. Besides, UN*X can be reasonably secure, if you know where the holes are (which is why I'm cheerfully lurking). Better the beast we know, than the beast we don't, eh?
-- Duke Walls
[email protected]
----------------
Setup: Helpdeskfunnies.com asked for true-life submissions of the dumbest users we'd ever met. Here are two of mine. The page can now be found at: http://www.angelfire.com/ca/dmitryd/helpdeskfunnies.html. Enjoy!
name: Duke Walls
Date: 17 Jul 1999
Every once in a while, the scales balance. I was installing a new PC for a woman who had been promoted over her old workmates, and was lording it over them unmercifully. In the early days of Windows 3.1, playing a .wav file would lock the machine until the file finished. This woman snottily told me to lock her office after I was done installing the PC, and left. One by one, her staff came in and told me just how obnoxious she was being. I therefore set the Windows Start sound to be the 48-second sound bite from the movie "When Harry Met Sally" where Meg Ryan is demonstrating her ability to fake an orgasm. I then locked the door on the way out. The next morning I get a frantic phone call from this buddy, who is horrified at what her new computer is doing! Once it stops, I say, "Hmm, that's not normal. Why don't you reboot it?" During the encore performance, I went and removed the sound file while "looking for the problem." Her crew later told me she straightened up nicely after this particular prank, so you could say I managed to fix more than the PC.
Name: Duke Walls
Date: 17 Jul 1999
While working support in the Loan Service Center of what they call "a major Savings & Loan," I was forced to support the Vice President's secretary. She was a fortyish harridan, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but fiercely proud of her "elevated" position. How dull? The year before, when we went from 5.25 to 3.5 inch floppies, she had literally trimmed a floppy to fit using scissors, and was miffed when we told her the files were gone (took an hour to clear that drive, too). We were summoned to the harpy's desk because her network connection kept dying right after she got in, and again after lunch. Following the network cable, I realized she had been placing her purse in an empty box and kicking it under the desk, disconnecting the network cable. Dropping to my knees, I plugged the cable back in -- only to be shrilly accused of having snuck a peek up the dragon's dress. A co-worker came to my rescue: "No, ma'am," he intoned, "if he was gonna peek up a dress, he'd pick somebody younger and prettier." My laconic cohort would be fired a month later, for having told this buddy the "any key" was the Big Red Switch on the side. She lost four hours' work, being too dense to know what 'save' means, and he lost his job. "Jeez, I though she'd know I was kidding," he protested, "Nobody's THAT stupid!" Bets?
----------------
Setup: ZD writer asks, "What's Your Cybersecurity Strategy?" and offers a security quiz
Funny thing: I took last week's test honestly the first time and got a 'C.' I then eliminated all the things I'd allowed due to risk assessment (read: biggest bang for the buck), and got a 'B' (this amounted to two changed answers). Somehow, I doubt it's possible to get an 'A' on that test, but that's OK if it wakes people up. Being a network engineer, I see daily attacks on my employer's commercial site. 99.995% of them are scripts aimed at IIS, so there is a very real benefit to running something else. That said, I'm reminded of a stunt pulled by one of the Mac magazines in the late 80's. They engineered a virus, the payload of which was a "Merry Christmas" message set to pop up the 22nd of December, along with a request to call them if the message appeared. They placed this on *one* Mac in their offices in September. Long story short, they received several thousand replies, from all over the world, and please remember that this was before the commercial Internet! The Mac platform is just as susceptible to virii, but is not as popular a target, as are Linux and Solaris. My strategy, for what it's worth, is defense in depth: hardware firewall on the DSL link, ZoneAlert Pro and NAV on all workstations, and serious encryption and no ID broadcast on the wireless link. If somebody wants in, they'll probably find a way, but at least I'll be a harder target.
----------------
Setup: ZD writer David Coursey asks, "Am I a Microsoft lackey or what?"
David, David, David. Did you miss the point yet again? As the proud owner of a Microsoft Z-80 card for my Apple II, I've probably been dealing with Microsoft far longer than most folks. My Word for Windows Early Adopter certificate is right here next to my three licensed copies of Office. I enjoy using their software, which generally starts out as a lame 1.0 version, and improves greatly over time. But what really frosts my pumpkin is that Mickeysoft has taken over IBM's old role as the foremost progenitors of FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt, for those not up on TLAs)(sorry, Three-Letter Acronyms). In 1994, during an attempt to specify a better competing product (Novell 4.1, but I digress), I bet a CIO that Microsoft wouldn't be able to produce Active Directory for four more years. OK, so I was wrong -- I was short by two years. Microsoft lied to her, and she was stupid enough to believe them. I don't work for that company any more, but neither does she, because a smarter competitor absorbed them. So, Dave, we don't really think you're a lackey. An apologist, perhaps, and occasionally ostrich-like in your inability to see that cesspool in Redmond for what it really is, but a lackey? No, I don't think Microsoft thinks of you quite that highly.
-----------------
Setup: ZD writer suggests the Windows Update website, much to my chagrin
BEWARE!! Although I've used the Update before, I thought I'd give it another poke after reading this article. The process mulched the drivers for one of my LAN cards, completely removed TCP/IP from the machine, and blew up my firewall/proxy software (odd, I never have these issues with Linux). It's taken me three hours to get this mess fixed (requiring three different driver/installation disks), and now I find the Family Login is gone from the machine, possibly forever. Moral of the story? Beware magazine writers bearing gifts. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, or it might well soon be!
-----------------
ZD writers do a "Sky Is Falling" article on the glaringly obvious security and throughput issues on the Internet, a story set off by a 'backhoe fade' episode on UUNet's backbone in Ohio (why is it that Ziff-Davis writers always set me off?) Please note that the gent's column the next week began by quoting my 'serious disconnect' sentiment. Stone the crows, a double! : )
Despite the glib "so what's new?" comments, I get the impression there's a serious disconnect here. Those of us that have actually been connecting to multiple Tier-1 providers know that disasters have a nasty way of testing the best disaster recovery plans. And despite the fact that Silicon Valley has the largest concentration of peering sites and server farms on the planet (yes, that includes the DC area), a single fiber cut in Ohio (or even Indiana, although that's *much* less likely) can wreak havoc with the ability to deliver packets. No packets, no content. Right about then, all these "so what?" types will be deluging their fourth-tier ISPs' support hotlines with whiny phonecalls (the emails won't arrive until the break is fixed -- believe me, I speak from experience). Disparaging comments aside, I'd recommend InterNAP's structure over any other single provider, because they peer with all the majors, so a break in UUNet in Ohio doesn't take them down completely. And yes, having their own private exchanges does measurably speed packet flow (again, from experience). As for standards, hey, we've got IP. Anything else is superfluous sales hype. Stick to the standards, implement systems as designed, build in overcapacity and redundancy, and we all just might be able to get our email on time -- just in time to be spammed by some slimeball. Some things may just not be worth the extra effort....
----------------
Setup: Reply to a testy (read: flame) reply on a technical board about IP vs. IPX security
If your neuroses preclude you from allowing unwanted access to the Supervisor ID on a Novell file server, simply use the SYSCON utility to limit the stations from which it can be used. If your cracker(ette) is not at an approved workstation, they get zip. Failing this, therapy is your only option (and remember, you can`t spell `analysis` without the first four letters).
-- Duke Walls